My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
