I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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