i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
