He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
