tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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