Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
