Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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