She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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