she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
