Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize