May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
