Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
