Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
