I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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