What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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