im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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