It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sorry about my life...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize