My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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