Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
