Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
