Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
