I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
