Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
