you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
