Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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