dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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