You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
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Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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