I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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