my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
