I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
