I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
