I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize