I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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