How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
