Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
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The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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