I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
