i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
