Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
did i just pee glitter
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
