if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
