Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
