"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
