Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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