then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
