If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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