Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
