Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
