Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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