I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
