I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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