shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
