I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
