Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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