i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
