Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
