How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I party with great urgency now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
