Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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