You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
