You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
