The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
